Pardon the Interruption
by Queen of Black Cats
Summary: What happens when Bella agrees to go shopping, but when Alice goes to get the money, Jasper has it all? Total hilarity ensues.Suggestive humor.
1. Of Insults and Suggestive Remarks

It had been a long day of hunting. The Cullen family had just returned home at last. For 7 hrs, Bella had sat in Edward's room, listening to music, staring out into the forest and breathing in his scent. And she did this alone.

"We're home, Love!" Edward announced to Bella.

'Finally.' She thought.

Bella ran down, amazingly only tripping once. Someone offered her a hand to help her up. Bella was about to grab the hand when she realized that it wasn't Edward.

It was Jasper. And he scared Bella. Ever since the birthday incident, she'd been terrified of him. She leapt to her feet and Edward moved her onto his lap.

"Jasper wouldn't hurt you." Alice said as an offended Jasper stomped off upstairs.

Alice looked at Bella and frowned. "What are you wearing?" Rags or clothes?" Alice exclaimed, almost outraged.

"Last time I checked, clothes." Bella said sarcastically.

"I'm sure that would be different if you and Edward were alone." Emmett snuck in suggestively.

Bella blushed and Edward nodded to Rosalie. She clapped a hand over Emmett's mouth.

"Bite me and die." She hissed as Emmett tried to open his mouth.

Upstairs, Jasper was laughing at the conversation he wasn't part of. Alice rolled her liquid gold eyes, "Guess what Bella! We're going shopping!" Then, she walked, rather danced, up the stairs.


	2. Alice Outraged

Ch.2As Alice went up to grab the money, Bella fought a mental battle about whether or not to apologize to Jasper.

"Edward?" she muttered into his chest, "What should I do about Jasper?"

"Well Love, that's not my problem."

"Funny, now answer my question!" she snapped.

"I…" CRASH! Everyone looked up at the source of the noise. Wood had been knocked out of the banister and Alice flew backwards. Edward, Carlisle and Esme were all in easy reach of her, but Jasper ran down and caught her.

"WHAT. JUST. HAPPENED?" Esme asked angrily through her teeth.

"We collided." Jasper answered as he cradled Alice bridal style.

"No, seriously?" Rosalie spat sarcastically. Jasper explained that he'd been standing in the doorway and Alice had walked into him. The force had sent Alice flying.

"Oh, it's my fault?!?" Alice shrieked outraged.

"NO! I never said that! Alice, come back!" Jasper trailed after Alice like a puppy followed its owner.


	3. You Know You Want Me

Ch3Once upstairs and in the confines of his room, he made a deal with the now smirking Alice. Now, Jasper was no mind reader, but he'd been with Alice long enough to realize that smirk meant that she already knew what she wanted for her part of the deal.

"Now, here's the deal, I have the money. I won't give you any unless you agree with this deal, which you have no say in." It was his turn to smirk now. Downstairs, everyone roared with laughter.

"You should have seen that one coming Alice!" everyone shrieked out.

"I think her head was crowded with other things though!" Edward coughed out though the hysteria.

"Yeah, like Victoria's Secret!" Emmett threw in.

"I can't breathe!" Bella choked out between fits of laughter.

"Stay out of my head Edward! And Emmett, you're dead when I get down there, so kiss Rose goodbye now!" Alice hollered. She slammed the door and crossed her arms.

"You know, you really should have seen that coming." Jasper said. Alice growled in response. Then she begged.

"Please, please, plleeeaaaassssseeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"NO!"

"Why not?" Alice asked with her best puppy dog pout.

"Because last time, I swore up and down and left and right that I'd gotten you pregnant!" Jasper shouted.

"But you didn't and you know that's not possible anyway!" Alice reasoned. Jasper turned his his back to her and she flushed with chagrin. "I lost didn't I?" she asked.

"What was your first clue?"

"What's the deal then?" Alice asked, carefully avoiding Jasper's question.

"Kiss me and I'll give you the money. I know it's know it's not what you want, but I promise I'll make the kiss fun." Jasper bargained.

"Deal." Alice sighed. Jasper beamed victoriously, 'I win, you lose!' he thought.


	4. Embarrassment to the Extreme

Ch.4"Bella, Love, wake up." Edward coaxed, "Remember, you're going shopping today." Her eyes fluttered open.

"Did I fall asleep for real?" she asked, embarrassed?

"Yes." Everyone said.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't…" Bella started to apologize.

"Bella, it's ok, dear." Esme said.

"Yes, it's ok. Although some of the stuff you said we could have lived without." Carlisle said.

Bella looked up at Edward. "What did I say? Is it that bad?" she asked cautiously.

"Not bad Love, just embarrassing." he said.

"Tell me."

"You really wanna know?" Edward asked, puzzled.

"Yes." Bella said firmly.

"Ok." 'I warned you.' Edward thought, "This is all quoted. 'Edward, My Edward…'"

"That's not bad." Bella said.

"It gets bad." Emmett grinned.

'Oh great, I forgot we weren't alone!' Bella thought.

"May I continue?" Edward asked. Everyone nodded.

"Ok, continuing on,… ' My bra size is 36D, my period starts next week, I weigh 110 lbs, Jacob a crush on me, Emmett needs his hair cut, Rosalie uses too much make up,…" Rosalie looked up from the corner where she'd been sitting in Emmett's lap and hissed.

"And the most embarrassing one in my opinion…" Edward began.

"Nothing's more embarrassing than announcing your bra size to your boyfriend's family!" Bella whined.

"Anyway, the most embarrassing one is: 'Edward calls me "Bella-Bear"'

Bella was now blushing harder than ever and Edward was silent. "I think I'll go see what's taking Alice so long." Bella whispered. Edward shifted his arms so Bella could get up.

"Aww, I think we embarrassed Bella-Bear!" Emmett said mockingly. Bella smiled a little and her blush receded as she heard the satisfying sound of a smack.


	5. Is It Hot In Here?

Ch. 5Upstairs, in Alice and Jasper's room, things were heating up. Jasper's right hand was knotted in Alice's hair and his other arm was wrapped around her waist. Alice had both arms around Jasper's neck. Her small frame was pressed tightly to Jasper.

'Well, it's not what I wanted, but…oh, who am I kidding, this ROCKS!'

Alice purred as Jasper kissed her harder. It was like an earthquake. The tremendous force of this kiss, Alice's favorite kind, was enough to shake a regular house.

As Jasper deepened the kiss even harder, Bella threw open the door. She turned a sickly green color as she watched Alice's body language tell her that her tongue was fighting for dominance. And then Bella flushed as she slowly realized something.

'I was so wrong about Jasper. He didn't mean to scare me! I never knew he cared so much. Especially about Alice!' Bella thought.

It wasn't until Bella flushed that Alice and Jasper realized that there was the ever-present beating of Bella's heart in the doorway. Their eyes flashed open and they jumped apart. Snarls ripped through their teeth and their golden eyes pierced into Bella.

"Uh, pardon the interruption?" Bella asked, hoping they'd understand. Not happening. Alice and Jasper chased her downstairs, through the kitchen and into the living room where everyone sat. Bella dove behind Edward and he stood to defend her. Then Bella realized something.

"Hey, wait a minute! I willingly agree to go shopping and now you're trying kill me over your own stupidity?!?" Bella demanded.

"Stupidity? EXCUSE ME?" Alice demanded back.

"Yes, stupidity! One: you didn't lock the door and two: you didn't put that sign on your door like you usually do when you don't want people coming in!"

Alice and Jasper stopped growling and listened as Bella rambled on about how she'd said yes to shopping and how Alice had taken so long to get the money.

Money. It occurred to Alice that she'd originally gone upstairs to get the money, but Jasper had it and made a deal.

"That reminds me Jazz," Alice said, "cough up the money. I filled your half of the deal, now give me mine."

Five pairs of gold eyes rolled. Jasper was notorious for making deals. But Bella didn't know that.

"That was a deal?" Bella asked like she was going to be sick, "Most disgusting deal I've ever heard of."

"Why, what were they doing?" Rose and Emmett asked slyly from the corner.

"They were kiss…, no, making out in their room!" Bella told everyone in a disgusted tone. All eyes flashed to Alice and Jasper as they released each other's hand and inched apart while Jasper counted out money for Alice. As he handed her the money, she begged him to come.

"Alice, I'm a boy, boys don't shop if they can avoid it." was his response.

Naturally, she pouted and waited for his response and naturally, Emmett and this time Edward, answered instead. "Yeah Alice, you should know that, I mean, you've seen him enough." they said matter-of-factly.

Carlisle, Esme, Bella and Rosalie's eyes grew wide as the previous statement occurred to them.

Alice had heard enough. "Ifyouneedme,I'llbeatthemall." she so fast that her words ran together. In a flash, she was gone. Everyone listened for the sound of her car peeling out in the driveway, then turned to Jasper.

"If anyone one needs me, please hesitate to call." he announced calmly, then dashed up the stairs, two by two and slammed his door.

"How did you know what they were doing?" Esme asked.

"It's not hard if you can see and hear every 'blessed' thing that they're doing in there heads." Edward explained, "I've still got it all burned into my memory." He shuddered.

Emmett told them everything Edward had just said, just in more detail. Everyone, even Esme and Carlisle, faked gagging, except Bella, who really did throw up.

'And this was all because Alice was gonna take me shopping.' Bella thought drowsily as she drifted off to sleep in Edward's arms.


End file.
